Reality Check: No matter how great of a guy you are it is
a scientific fact that you will someday come face to face with a woman you have
successfully pissed off. On several later dates I’ll get into the multiple ways
to avoid angering the keeper of your favorite adult playground but for now
let’s discuss how to handle the inevitable.
The key to survival is to remember everything you’ve ever
seen in those Man vs. Nature movies. Think of your adversary not as the
compassionate, loving, delicate flower you married but more like a rabid
wolverine high on meth and Redbull and ravenous for blood. This is not a
creature you should take lightly.
Step 1: Keep a safe distance
There are moments in relationships when the only thing
your woman wants you to do is stop talking and hold her close, wrapping your
arms of reassurance around her delicate emotional frame and reminding her that
everything will eventually be ok. This is not one of those times. When squaring
off against the beast I recommend keeping a very conservative 15 foot barrier
between the two of you. It is imperative that the distance never be broken.
Think of it as a dance or standing in line for the men’s room. If she advances
one step, you simultaneously retreat one step. There will be moments where you
think to yourself, “It’s safe to get closer”. You need only remember that you
are dumb and safety is an illusion.
Step 2: Be mindful of your surroundings
Just as the angry lioness will use a nearby rock to
catapult herself towards her prey and a frustrated chimp will fling poop in
your general direction so too will a livid female make her point with any
object within grabbing distance. Keep in mind that nothing is sacred; candles,
frying pans, your beloved velvet Elvis painting, bowls of cereal and even
statues of Baby Jesus are all fair game. I once heard tell of a woman who
picked up her brother-in-law and used him to pummel her not-cautious-enough
husband. It is best to try and move the conflict to a room that is as empty as
possible. If one is not available, at least opt for a room that is only filled
with objects soft enough to not cause permanent brain damage. I always try to
have my arguments in the linen closet.
IMPORTANT TO NOTE: Cleaning the house regularly not only
keeps your woman happy it also exponentially depletes the number of available items
with which she could extract your spleen.
Step 3: No sudden movements
Picture a gallon of nitroglycerin perched dangerously on
the edge of a chair. Now imagine the chair is riding, unsecured, in the back of
a pickup truck. Now imagine the pickup truck is going off-road. Through the
Grand Canyon. Driven by Helen Keller. Now remember that a fuming Fraulein is
way, way more unstable than this. It is imperative that you carefully plan out
every physical movement you are intent on making and even more imperative that
you not make them. At all. Ever. The slight misstep forward, unassuming hand
gestures, the involuntary eye roll, all of these can set her phaser to Kill A
Dude. It is best to simply not move at all. Even breathing can be misinterpreted
as sighing. I do my best to stay perfectly still save for the occasional nod of
the head (Up/Down only…Right/Left will not serve you well).
IMPORTANT TO NOTE: Unless you are a 13 year old girl you
should always refrain from rolling your eyes. No good can come of it and, quite
frankly, you look like a douche-canoe.
Step 4: Do not make noise
Remember: In this situation if you are not agreeing or
apologizing you are making noise. Sure, your ego is screaming that you are a
master debater and perhaps you do have the verbal chops to solve even the
Socratic Problem but trust me, now is not the time. When tempers are flaring
logic takes a firm seat somewhere south of never. Remember that this is not
your rational Love; this is a snarling, angry, illogical, id-driven beast that
you have created. No one has ever talked a supernova out of exploding. Let
silence be your shield and I promise you will win the war.
Step 5: Retreat slowly
In reality men are more concerned with the action than
they are with the perceived intent. Storming out of a room is not the same
thing as giving her space (that’s one of the lines you may want to re-read). If
the situation has escalated to Kraken-esque proportions than it is always best
to focus on ending the immediate discussion, not the argument. Arguments were
not meant to be hashed out over the course of a few minutes or a few hours.
True arguments, true points of disagreement that speak to the core of each
person involved will take a tremendous amount of time and energy to work
through and there is nothing wrong with that. But the immediate fight or
blowup? It is always ok to end that when actual communication has broken down.
The man who said “Never go to bed angry” obviously never argued with his wife
until the wee hours, went to work on no sleep and tried to navigate
kids/dinner/soccer-practice after that.
The key, however, is how you end the situation. Reverse
psychology is always the way to go, provided it is not evident that you’re
being a condescending sack. If you can make yourself say and believe the
following, you will live a much happier (and longer) life: I’m sorry. I’m angry
and I don’t know how to make my point without being an ass. I’m gonna give you some
space and let’s talk about this later.
She may scream, she may throw things, she may insult your
manhood and curse you a coward who doesn’t have the anatomical gear to finish
the fight. At some point, however, she will calm down. And at that point,
regardless of how angry she was, she will remember that you took the high road
and you did it because you didn’t want to say mean things. And that, my friend,
is when the battle will actually end.
